If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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