3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
