This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
