We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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