Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
