We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
