fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
