he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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