What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
