First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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