Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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