Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We got so high we made milksteak
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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