my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
