Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
