Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
