The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
