ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
