I hope mine doesn't look like that
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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