Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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