i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
