and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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