i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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