Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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