dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
