can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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