vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
