Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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