forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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