So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
