What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
