i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
