I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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