Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
