So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
