K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
