I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
