you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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