oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
