Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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