My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
