It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
