I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
