Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
