Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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