its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
