I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
