Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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