He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
