i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
