So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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