Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
